We lament about it, but still long for it: Why We Date and Fall in Love
by Danielle White
by Danielle White
It appears that anytime I write an article about dating, I have to begin with a confession. Hence, my confession is as follows: As much as I lament about the woes of dating, I am still a romantic at heart and I am still optimistic that one day, at long last, I will achieve an eternal marriage with a man who I respect, admire, adore, and love (and who feels the same sort of affinity and affection toward me), and raise a happy, healthy family. Alas, why does dating have to be wrought with weariness, coupled with tinges of persistent frustration and pangs of heartache? Honestly, I never imagined myself being 27-years-old (gulp...almost 28) and still single. While, I am happy "being me", I must admit it has become increasingly awkward, if not arduous, to know that every single one of the 96 other individuals I with whom graduated high school nearly 10 years ago are married with children. And my best friend, who is five years younger than me, goes on an average 10 dates a week. (Well, she is the sweetest, smartest, and prettiest person on the planet. So, who can blame her for being practically perfect?) Interestingly, while visiting an old room-mate this past Christmas, I was playing with her three-year-old niece, Emma, rather suddenly posed the following question to me: Do you date a lot, Danielle? Amid surprised laughter, my response was: I used to date a lot in school, but not lately, Emma. To which the three-year-old crawled in to my lap, looked me straight in the eye, and with a concerned curve in her brow, whispered: But why? Don't boys want to date you? You need to date so you can find a man and be a mommy. Maybe if your teeth were whiter, dating would be easier for you. Dating shouldn't be hard. People date so they can fall in love. Wisdom from a three-year-old is so clear and concise, straightforward, and unabashedly honest. "People date so they can fall in love". And let's face it. Isn't that what all of us searching for--mature love, love and happiness, and endless eternal bliss? I fully admit that while the word "date" or "dating" causes me to cringe, or even roll my eyes, I still want to be asked out on one. (A date, that is).
Fortunately, I am not alone in my dating dilemma. (Though, it certainly feels that way most days). Many of us are still searching for Mr. Right (or, for you gentleman readers - Mrs. Right). Dating, as you enter mid-to-late 20s changes suddenly. When we are teenagers and college students, dating is more of a way to socialize and interact with the opposite sex. Whereas, once we have finished school and entered the workforce, dating becomes more of a method of seeking, forming, and maintaining a meaningful, long-term and monogamous companionship with a member of the opposite gender. Physiologically and psychologically we, as humans, are genetically engineered to seek meaningful, closely knit relationships, particularly through companionships with a spouse. We are inherently social beings. Thus, the aforementioned statement that claims we date to marry is, in fact, true. Author Emilie Bailey agrees: "Without marriage, dating and courtship makes no sense."
Psychology of Dating
In examining the reasons why we, as humans, are compelled to date and, therefore, obtain the love and companionship of a spouse, a great number of commentaries have been given to explain such. For instance, the notorious psycho-analyst Sigmund Freud believed that falling in love was, at its nature, a substitute for personal accomplishment. On the other hand, psychologist Theodore Reik explained that that there are two stages to a person falling in love. The first stage is where from a need to escape from internal discontent grows the longing and tendency to fall in love with another person. The second stage requires personal courage and security about the self, in order to actually love another person in a committed behavior. Expounding on Reik's theories is, psychologist Erik Fromm, who clearly distinguished difference between immature and mature love. According to Fromm, in an immature relationship, the lover exploits the other--the object of his or her affection-- in order to satisfy the lover's own needs. Conversely, in a healthy relationship where mature love is present, an individual expresses a genuine concern for their beloved's mental, physical, and emotional welfare. Fromm further states that sexual attraction in dating is based on the need for psychological union "with the opposite sexual pole," whereas romantic love in dating depends on the need for psychological union with another person and their personality. Fromm, like Reik, also states that dating and "falling in love is an attempt through the possession of an admired love object, to obtain personal qualities that one needs" or admires. According to both, Fromm and Reik, genuine, mature love in adult relationships is described as involving active caring for a partner's needs and a desire to experience the other at an intimate level on a variety of levels, including mentally, emotionally, spiritually, as well as physically. In sum, dating, on the whole, is an attempt to find and cultivate relationships; to find a companion to love and marry.
That said, when contemplating whether or not to ask someone "out on a date", or accepting the invitation to go out on a date, consider the long-term. While, a dinner and a movie is a far better alternative than eating ice cream in your apartment, alone, dating is an avenue for us to identify and connect with another person and therein form a lasting, meaningful relationship that involves mutual respect, mature love and affection, and thereby enables us to achieve personal fulfillment through a shared love and happiness.
About the Author
Author Bio: Danielle White is a client account specialist for 10x Marketing and Heavenly Matched.com. Log on to learn more about healthy adult relationships, finding mature love.
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